I Don't Mean To Trash Talk Other Writers But Capitalism Made Me Do It

Envy is a deadly sin but so is greed

Photo by Garrhet Sampson on Unsplash

I’m not really proud of it, but when I saw Glennon Doyle show up in my Substack feed yesterday, I was so upset that I cried. Now, Glennon appears to be a good person, who has helped a lot of people and so I don’t have any beef with her.

I’ve read her work, and used to follow her closely. I haven’t read anything of hers since “Untamed” mostly because I’ve focused on other stuff, but she is absolutely a good and engaging writer with some cool stuff to say.

The thing is, I bust my ass every fucking day just to keep what I’ve managed to build here on Substack, whereas people like her have been majorly successful for years, and don’t actually NEED any income from Substack. She already has a large audience elsewhere, and her coming over here makes me feel like I will never be enough.

Envy is one of the seven deadly sins and you could accuse me of committing it and probably be right, but envy isn’t the only issue going on here. This whole thing points to a larger problem, one that isn’t unique to me.

From what I have been able to ascertain, there are many others who were also disappointed to see Glennon show up here, some of them even blocked her because they just couldn’t sit and watch. I totally get it.

These people didn’t block her because they hate her, in fact many like myself appreciate the work she does, but they did it as an act of self-preservation because it brings up feelings they don’t want to have. It’s not actually about Glennon but about them.

I started to write around the same time as Matthew Paul Turner, Rachel Held Evans, and Elizabeth Esther. We were all around the same age even. I was following them from early on in their careers, before they became popular. I spent hours a week commenting, sharing their articles and then their books, excited for them over every success. I was truly invested in them because I believed their stories were inportant and that they were going places.

My favorite was Rachel Held Evans and she was an amazing writer, but I’m still disappointed that not one of them really returned the favor. I just wasn’t cool enough to make my way into their successful writer’s club even though my writing skills were comparable to theirs and we wrote about similar subjects.

As far as reciprocity, there wasn’t much. Rachel Held Evans responded to my comments on her original blog very rarely, Elizabeth Esther would acknowledge my comments once in a while, and Matthew Paul Turner might have done so once or twice. The relationship really only went one-way.

I’m not sure I really blame them, and looking back on it now, I wasn’t ready, but at the time it hurt so much. I kept asking myself what I had done that was so bad I couldn’t make it. Was I as worthless as I felt?

Then I thought that maybe my problem was pride, also a deadly sin (I might as well confess I have committed all of them, hahaha). I wondered if perhaps I wasn’t getting anywhere because I knew I was as good as they were and that was a sin. It was only recently that I realized that being sure of my skills isn’t wrong.

Sometimes, despite my understanding that I was not ready for what they all managed to achieve, I am still hurt when I think about it. It doesn’t come to mind very much, but today it has. Probably because I began reading Glennon Doyle’s work in that same period of time, if I remember rightly.

A few years later, I came across the coolest book, “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller. I devoured that book and fucking loved it. Surprising even myself, I also loved the movie. “Blue Like Jazz” was something I connected with. Miller had such good success with “Blue Like Jazz” and the books he wrote following that and I was surprised when he became one of those smarmy ass life or business coaches. Whatever the fuck they are.

He got to the point where he was able to dress up in a suit (and honestly I’m afraid of men in suits and have a good reason), and in a show of incredible arrogance, tell them how successful he was and how they could be too. It was such trite bullshit and I just couldn’t keep watching him devolve. I still love “Blue Like Jazz” for the life it breathed into me when I needed it, but I can’t stand it’s author anymore. Being “successful” ruined him.

So why am I sitting around trash-talking other writers? I think partly it stems from how hurt I was back then, and how much energy it’s taken to survive all this time. I felt like I deserved to be able to make a living too and therefore I felt inferior. I was so envious at one point that I made fun of Elizabeth Esther’s sobriety, something I regret deeply.

Which brings me to that awful ass mediocre white man Russell Brand. It was his book “Recovery” that woke me up to the point where I realized I had an addiction problem and needed help. I am not, however, in any way envious of that asshole because he’s not a decent human being. I am, however, disappointed in him.

I’ve never desired to be like Russell Brand and I only thought of him because while I was reading “Recovery” it reminded me that I’d made fun of Elizabeth Esther. I was so hurt by then that I actually resented her sobriety because it seemed like she had everything I didn’t and so I wanted to feel better about myself.

I am not proud of any of it, I reacted badly. I am so glad they all were able to be successful (except Russell Brand, what the fuck is up with that man), but it felt like I was left to languish while everyone else began to make something of themselves. I wasn’t upset that they had been successful, I was upset that it couldn’t also be me. I’ve never begrudged them the careers they managed to build themselves.

Now the likes of Glennon Doyle have shown up on Substack, and while she has the right to do that, it pissed me the fuck off, as it did many other people. I’ve enjoyed and benefitted from Glennon’s work and generosity years ago through one of her charitable projects, and yet her showing up here still makes me mad.

Back to Glennon Doyle. She’s already highly successful and has a large audience that loves her, but she still came to Substack. Many of us small guys have hoped to make a living on here. Glennon already makes a living. Isn’t that enough, without being on Substack to further silence the voices of those of us not making enough?

Can’t she be grateful that she has enough money to live on and not take over space of those with smaller audiences? Really the problem is capitalism, which puts us all in fierce competition with one another but at the same time, it’s frustrating. She. Has. Enough.

She’s famous, has a great following and income, and yet she’s taking over space that others are hoping to be successful in, not because she needs to, but simply because she can. Like the fame and money she has now just isn’t enough to satisify her she has to come and snatch limited resources from others.

People want to go on and on about “scarcity mindsets” and “abundance mindsets” but that’s a lie developed by capitalism and so-called “life coaches.” I resent that so badly. They want us competing with each other while gaslighting us by saying if we just would do x,y, or z, or have the right mindset, we too could be successful. It’s actually a load of crap.

Glennon Doyle isn’t really the problem, but by coming over to Substack she became part of it. She certainly doesn’t need the income she can generate here, because she already has her tribe. She’s published multiple books, and is very popular.

It wouldn’t harm her in any way to not be on Substack but she can potentially harm a lot of us by her presence here, unless she chooses to use it as a way to amplify people who don’t have the resources she does.

I don’t mean to point Glennon out as the only one, but she’s the one that is causing quite the stir on Substack the last couple of days. I know that I had a strong emotional response when I saw her pop up in my feed. I’ve spent years trying to build my audience and being largely ignored. It has been just recently that I’ve really gained any traction and I’ve worked really fucking hard to get here.

As much stress as I go through every damn day trying to make ends meet, and being unable to work a “regular” job (which is not my fault) I feel like I deserve a chance to make it without those who are already more than making it barge into yet another space that actually gives those of us with smaller audiences a chance at it.

Apparently we can’t have ANY spaces where those who already have enough can’t just let us be. The famous just can’t help themselves. It’s greedy and I’m just going to mention that greed is also a deadly sin.